Are you happy with the way you are? Not just the way you look but also the way you behave, think and present yourself?
If you think you’re born like this, let me tell you that this not true. The reason you are what you are is because you worked all your life really hard to become exactly what you are today. You developed yourself into your today’s you by doing the things you’ve done and thought over your life so far and the end result is you as you are now. You created little rituals and repeated them over and over until they became you. You thought about things in a specific way over and over again until it became your way of thinking.
For most this is an uncontrolled development process which leads to a result: You
The really good thing is, that if you are the one who created yourself, you are the one who can reprogram and change the result. You can design your own you in any way you like. It’s completely in your control.
But how do you do this?
You do exactly what you’ve done so far. You just take control of the process. You become clear about the person you want to be and you start to create the little rituals that get you there and repeat them over and over again. It’s that easy.
The more difficult part is in the decision to take control of your development process and to decide on the desired result.
Lets take a few simple examples to make the point.
When I started my career as a coach, speaker and video maker I was often in positions where I had talk a lot. I had this strange way of talking really fast and I also had what people call Jazz Hands. That means I would talk with my hands, which in itself isn’t bad, but only works if the hands are in line with what you say. This wasn’t the case and my gestures were more confusing than helping. I started watching others and went out my way to learn how the best in the business do it. Since then I was able to use my hand movements to my advantage which made me so much better on stage or on video.
Have you ever fell in love with the way someone walks or how someone reacts to certain things. By watching out for such things you can create your own persona. Just take the things that really positively stick out in others and learn how to implement those in yourself. Learn how to walk the way you like to walk, talk the way you like to talk and think the way you like to think. It isn’t about copying others, but taking the best of others and making it part of you. It’s about growing to become the person you want to be.
A few years ago I met someone who spoke in a way that he captivated the people around him. Not just with what he said but with the way he said it. The way he used his voice to create tension, highlighted the important things, asked questions and made statements. It was incredible. When I asked him how he does this, he told me that he takes voice lessons and participates in speaker training on a regular basis. I was hooked and started my own training. Today I use a few words to say the things that took me hundreds of words before and I am understood, because I became so much better in communicating with others and myself.
We are all incredible creatures able to design ourselves in any way we want, if we want.
If you ever wished to be different, be different and create yourself the way you like to be. Do this with little controlled steps and repeat them over and over again while watching out for the results. That’s all it takes.
You are the most important thing in your life. Treat yourself as that and start to design you.
How is your future you going to be?
If I learned anything in life it’s to ask if I want something. If I don’t ask nobody knows that I might need it.
It seems to be a big issue for many to ask for something. They believe that asking is begging and if they eventually get it they will never hear the end of it.
But asking goes much further than that. Setting goals is asking yourself for whatever your goal is. You ask yourself for the effort and determination to achieve your goal.
Setting a goal is the art of creating the right question that makes you move. It’s the same with everyone else. Asking is an art form and if done right one of the best ways to develop and maintain relationships in private and business.
There is also the fear of rejection. We believe that if we get a No people don’t like us anymore. Of course it happens. We don’t always get what we want.
But what is the alternative?
What is your chance to get what you want if you don’t ask? Most likely zero!
What is your chance if you ask? Most likely 50%!
What do you prefer?
If you have something to sell you have to ask your customer at one point if he wants to buy it. If you don’t do that, you won’t sell. It’s that simple really.
But for many asking is something they don’t do. They wait until someone offers it to them. I am not sure how that should work if nobody knows what they want.
If you struggle with asking for help or whatever it is you need, you should train yourself in the art of asking. It starts with identifying what is is you really need. For a sales person it’s clear, but in personal matters it tends to be really difficult. We talk around the issue not really knowing what it is we need or want. If you don’t know it, how can anyone else?
Once you’re clear what it is you want, you need to design a questions that not only asks but also explains the Why and How. You might know that, because in your mind you went through a process to get there, but the others don’t. You need to get them to the same point. Check out my blog How To Get Almost Anything You Want for some examples on creating good questions.
In my experience if you ask good questions people want to help you. They even feel good doing so. How cool is that. You get what you want and they feel good. Perfect.
Learn the art of asking and become clear about your motives and the value you are willing to give and your life will become so much easier.
If you read the blog until here, you’re clearly intrigued to learn more of the art of asking
So let me ask you:
Do you want to learn more about the art of asking?
If you like this post, check out this one:
When I started my first company I was lucky enough to get my first clients quickly. They were only little, but important to survive and to develop the business.
After about 6 month I was able to get the first larger potential client on the line. Someone who could bring the business to a complete new level.
In our first meeting he seemed to be impressed with what I had to offer and asked if I would mind to come back the next day for another meeting with some of his associates. I happily agreed and was really looking forward to this. The next day I arrived at their office and the secretary asked me to wait for a moment.
When she came back she invited me to join her boss in the conference room. When I walked in, I couldn’t believe it. There were about 60 people in the room all eagerly waiting for some sort of presentation. I nearly died. That was not what I was expecting. I was not prepared for this. I started shaking and everything in my head went wild.
I don’t want to drag this out, but I didn’t get the contract. I wasn’t ready for this.
Time to start learning
After the initial shock period I decided that this should never happen again and I’ve put on top of my list the note: “Learn to become more confident!”
During my research into confidence I met some great and very confident people. They always knew what to do and how to do it. They never started shaking or running away. I was hooked, I wanted to become like them. I took every opportunity I could find to talk to them. What I found out struck me at first, but after thinking it over it made real sense. Let me condense it down to these points:
Don’t make anything about yourself!
The main reason why some of us panic in such situations is that we are worried about what others might think of us. Because we believe that we can’t do it we see ourself as the main reason why it will fail. Confident people don’t see themselves as the problem but as a facilitator for the solution.
Don’t know what you’re talking about!
If you went over your head and you’re put on the spot, it’s difficult to be confident. We either freak out and try to get away or we start lying which usually makes it all worse.
Don’t believe you must have all the answers!
Confident people are not know-it-alls. They are very good at finding things out and asking the right questions. That takes the spot light away from the person onto the problem to be solved. It doesn’t mean they don’t know their stuff, but they don’t feel pressured and they don’t mind if the answer comes from someone else.
It’s often a question of trust. The believe in yourself that the answer and solution will come to you if it’s needed. It’s not about having all the answers but the willingness to find the answer.
Moving confidently – step by step
I started my confidence program with little steps. I would put myself into slightly difficult situations and see how I deal with it. I would for example go and sit at a table with strangers for lunch with the aim to struck up a conversation. If I could get a 2 minute conversation out of it and could leave without freaking out – I would call it a success.
Because they were strangers I couldn’t really prepare for anything, but had to trust myself to come up with something based on the situation. After a while I got better at this. I became more confident.
In the end it’s about taking the decision to change yourself to become more confident and then take small steps towards it. After about 6 month I felt confident enough to go back to the initial client and ask for another chance. 6 months earlier I would have never been able to do this. I didn’t get the full contract, but I got in. I learned that it wasn’t about me, but about his solution.
What do you do to become more confident?
If you like this blog, have a look a this one:
Because it happens so often, I decided to create a short video outlining the trap most start-ups fall into. It happens so quickly and most don’t even realise what is going on. After this video you will know what to look out for and what you need to do not to fall for it. Let me know in the comments what you think about it and if that has happened to you. Enjoy.