I just finished my morning meditation session which I have been doing consistently for the last 11 month and somehow I feel really good. Last year around this time I decided to give mediation a real go. I wanted to find out what’s behind all this mind-stuff everybody is talking about. I did a bit of research and ended up using an app called Headspace to get myself into a daily routine. I wasn’t sure what to expect but at the same time excited to find out how meditation will effect me and the things I do.
I am a very goal oriented person and almost everything I do is towards a specific goal. At the same time I am also fully aware that my mind is constantly sabotaging my efforts. This comes out in negative feelings, raving emotions which causes unpredicted actions and reactions. For example, I might have had a really good day, achieved the things I wanted to achieve, just to get into a word fight with someone about the most ridiculous things or somehow felt just really unsatisfied with myself and everything around me. I can’t explain the reasons for that, but it was a regular occurrence and it really annoyed me. It came to a point that I thought there must be something wrong with me. Maybe I should get a check-up. I wasn’t really the kind of person who talks about these things to others. In my mind that would have tarnished the perfect picture I was trying to present to the rest of the world and myself.
I started with a 10 minute session per day first thing in the morning. Nothing much happened. I just spent 10 minutes concentrating on my breathing and the physical aspects of my body. Sometimes my mind would wander off towards the things that bothered me and as soon as I realised, I pushed it away and returned to concentrating on my breathing again. The first 2 weeks were uneventful and I didn’t really feel it had any impact on me at all.
I do have this 3 month rule for almost everything I do. Whenever I start something new I will give it 3 months consistently and will fully engage in it. After 3 months I review the results and then decide to continue or not. I applied the same rule to my meditation.
After about 4 weeks I got a bit concerned. It is difficult to apply a rule if you don’t know what the expected outcome should be. I mean, what should actually happen? What is the goal?
I spoke to many people about meditation and the impact it had on their lives. All of them where telling me of the changes that have happened since they started to meditate. I didn’t really feel any difference at all. It was just something I did every day.
After about 2 month I had extended my meditation time to 30 minutes per day as advised by the Headspace app and I realised that I was actually looking forward to my meditation. I couldn’t explain it. It just turned into something familiar.
I still didn’t think it made much of a difference to my life. It felt more like finding a great place which does a very good cup of coffee and going there every day just to relax. You don’t really need to have a good reason to get a good cup of coffee. It is something you enjoy and in my mind a luxury I don’t want to miss. I love coffee far to much.
After 3 month I realised that it didn’t make that much difference to my life, but I enjoyed it and decided to continue with it even without really knowing why. I am always in search for great baristas who can create this amazing art out of coffee, milk and any combination of it. With the same motivation I started to find ways to meditate in the most unlikely places, like the metro or bus or in the middle of a busy coffee shop.
One day I realised that I was able to meditate almost everywhere. I was able to concentrate on my breathing, my body, the sounds, smells and lights around me at any given time. I could just jump straight in it. I love that feeling of really being there, fully engaged, able to separate the noise around me. It felt like a save place to be.
It felt and still feels like a place where I can just be me. Something I call Home. In this place I don’t have to think. I am in the middle of it all and everything is just about me. I realised there is no goal in going home. It is a place where I can just be, no need to pretend, to lie or be judged.
When I go there all the stress of the day just disappears. I can laugh, cry, be and feel good about it.
When was the last time you went home?